My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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