seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
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