I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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