Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
either way he was missing a nipple.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
