why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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