Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
