I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
