I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
