So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
