yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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