DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
