My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
