is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
