Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
