Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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