Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
