Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
