Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
