so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
