My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
