TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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