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i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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