I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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