the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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