Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
