My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
