and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
