I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
