Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
