i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
