I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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