How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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