I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
