You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
