My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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