is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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