hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
