Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Sorry my hands just texted you
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
