can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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