In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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