I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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