It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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