be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
