brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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