I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
