Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Alive.
So much puke
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
