What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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