So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
