Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
