gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
