You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
