I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
