I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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