Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
