my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
